YOGA BOOTY BALLET MASTER SERIES

2008, $2.99, at Goodwill Superstore on San Fernando

First Impression: Let’s stand back-to-back!

Second Impression: And show off our Ghost Spandex!

Nothing could tear apart these two best friends/co-hosts/fitness empire moguls. The DVD cover proclaims that Gillian and Teigh are “As Seen on TV,” which means they have really made it now. You can find them in that aisle in Rite-Aid next to the mineral makeup that gives you weird face bumps and the little lemon sticks that you shove down your drain to keep it fresh. Success is truly sweet!

The DVD case holds two routines, Goddess Booty and Yoga Core, each on their own disc inside the case. This two-disc arrangement is completely unnecessary since each routine is under 30 minutes long. But this is the Master series, featuring “the signature moves they use with Hollywood celebrities to help them lose weight and firm their abs and booty in a hurry.”

I’m not in a Hollywood celebrity level of hurry, but I do need to get in a workout. So I pop in a DVD and… something is missing. It just doesn’t seem like Yoga Booty Ballet. Let’s see. We’ve got the same two hosts, Gillian and Teigh. One is blonde and one is brunette, so we can tell them apart. One or the other of them always has their hair in pigtails or cute little buns. But never both at the same time! That would be confusing! 

I close my eyes and try to puzzle out what is wrong. Then I hear it. Where the hell is Ravi? Ravi, their loyal onscreen bongo player, is missing.  The music is bland and boring and absolutely devoid of bongos. Not a bongo to be heard!  It’s just not Yoga Booty Ballet without bongos. I think I’ll write them a strongly worded letter.

But first… let me get through these workouts as best I can. First, I have to repeat Gillian and Teigh’s mantra three times. Silently. To myself. My enriched inner beauty is now reflected in my outer body. I have no idea what that means, but “enriched” makes me think of Wonder Bread, which makes me think about more snacks. I think there are still some homemade cookies left in the cupboard.