2002, $2.99, at Goodwill on Brand in Glendale
First Impression: If this picture doesn’t send a chill down your spine, you must have ice water running through your veins.
Second Impression: Not convinced? Let’s look at this same picture, upside down:
There’s nothing more terrifying than the plotting expression of an evil child.
The DVD menu has peppy banjo music and a song about going “down to the river.” No doubt, a river of tears! Let the reign of terror begin!
This workout is hosted by Chaz, Yoga Dude and Discount Steve Carell:
He speaks in the soft, high pitched voice of the damned. He bids us to mark him well, “This is an opportunity for you, mom and dad, to interact with your child.”
But what if I don’t want to and my child is the seed of Satan? Chaz makes no reply.
Then our nightmare truly begins. First, Chaz tests our boundaries by displaying a jar of testicles from his cabinet of curiosities:
Next, Chaz summons his familiars, commanding his minions to execute Cat/Cow Pose.
But to truly know this pose is to look upon the abyss and teeter on the brink of sanity. Soon, the madness sets in, setting mother against son:
Oh, dear. It’s not going well for these two:
While introducing Child’s Pose, this abomination appears over Chaz’s shoulder:
Those eyes will haunt my nightmares. Meanwhile, this kid is about to go full Regan and crab walk down some stairs:
With everyone distracted by the demonic possession, this witch is using some high pressure tactics to get Hansel into her oven:
If that didn’t frighten you, now behold! Two women whose brains are fused together!
They share the same thoughts! They fear the same fears! And then we have this waking nightmare:
In a whisper, Chaz urges us to move into Resting Pose. It’s called Corpse Pose, you monster!
As the unlucky survivors of this ordeal feign death, a plaintive song wafts over the scene, concluding with the lyric, “…and now the moon is your best friend.”
And so, have we all become the creatures of the night. Sweet dreams, if you dare! Happy Halloween!
Thrift Store Fitness 