Tag Archives: abs

THE FIRM WEIGHT LOSS SYSTEM: IGNITE CALORIE BURN

2011, $2.99, at Goodwill on San Fernando in Glendale

First Impression: Rachel Green is throwing elbows!

Second Impression: She doesn’t care that you were on a break!

Loyal Readers, it was very difficult to locate any used fitness DVDs to review for this week. Things are still on the verge of total shutdown over here, so I haven’t been venturing out much. But I spent three days looking in all my usual thrift stores and there were absolutely no exercise videos!  But did I find a NWT granny nightgown? Yes. Will I wear it as I wander around the house like a Victorian ghost? You bet.

This scarcity could mean one of two things; no one is donating their workout videos, or they are getting snapped up like hotcakes. Either way, people want to exercise at home, which is not a surprise at all, because (gestures wildly.)

Finally, I tried one last Goodwill and I was rewarded with a few choice $2.99 nuggets. This one has two 20-minute workouts to ignite calorie burn and rev up your metabolism, so get ready!

I start with the Cardio Power Burst. Karen has taken a break from calling the police on birdwatchers, and she has a new fitness video!

“Hey there,” she barks, in the tone she might use to complain about someone putting a “Black Lives Matter” sign on their own goddamn lawn. 

The workout is a semi-followable mix of lunges, bends, and jumping jacks with arm circles. Karen mixes in cardio with weights, and intermittent bursts of high energy moves for eight seconds at a time!

Also, Karen would like to know if your kids have a business license for that lemonade stand:

I tell Karen to have a nice day, now, and move on to Interval Burst, with Rebekah. She really does look like if Rachel Green were Frankensteined onto a college volleyball player. Now there is a sitcom. I’ll get right to work on it.

But first, let’s do some complicated v-steps, knee lifts, and side lunges!  Each time the choreography changes, she signals it with a firm, “Listen!” which I appreciate so much more than a snappy “C’mon!”

I notice that whenever we hit the eight second burst, the walls glow pink:

No doubt signaling something gone horribly wrong with the central computer system, thus needing to input the override codes immediately to avert our eminent destruction.

So, while we’re at it, what horror/disaster movie do you think we are trapped in?