2011, $1.99, at Goodwill on Colorado in Eagle Rock
First Impression: Open your catechism to Gluteus 24:7.
Second Impression: Let us pray.
Loyal Readers, it’s Christmas in February because there really is a workout known as The Butt Bible, and it fills up three glorious discs. I’ll review them all individually so we can worship our butts the way the Gods intended.
Our instructor/pastor is Pauline Nordin. Her name rhymes, and to speak it aloud is to conjure the most ancient of mysteries. She frequently informs us, in her lilting Swedish accent, that she just loves to work out her butt.
Each level includes a session for Lower Body and Upper Body, for a “complete total body kickass workout. Your muscles will burn, you will sweat, and you will cry for mercy.” Yep, sounds like church all right.
I start with Lower Body, because that is where my butt is located. We warm up with a Butt Squeeze. Pauline instructs us to “crack the nuts between the cheeks.”
Now, a zealot is only as good as her disciples, and Pauline is hashtag blessed with a couple of backup Butt Biblers that never stop smiling. Each time Pauline urges us to “love your butt, cuddle your butt,” the camera treats us to one of Terianne’s knowing smiles:
When it’s time for leg raises, we are instructed to “Pretend like you are kicking someone in the face!” Now that’s some quality fitness advice I can get behind!
To prepare for Squats, Pauline recites the holiest of Butt Bible verses, “Ass to the grass, crack a nut at the top!” If that doesn’t inspire utter devotion to the Butt Bible faith, I don’t know what will.
We start off the Upper Body section with Jumping Jacks. Pauline advises us to “make sure you have a good sports bra on; we have to hold everything in place!” She grabs ahold of her girls to demonstrate:
Pauline demonstrates a Fat Pony Jockey position, which a less devout exercise program would call “Bug.” Blasphemy!
Pauline lets us know that “If you had a doughnut yesterday, we are burning it off right now.” I feel personally attacked.
The workout culminates in Pauline’s classic Sermon on the Muscle, announcing, “You see, your muscles are like starving children. They eat what you put in your mouth, then the fat cells get nada.”
“Think about what you’re going to eat for dinner. Is it broccoli and chicken? Is it a hamburger? I hope not.” Maybe I’ll just have a word salad, Pauline.