Tag Archives: split clock

TURBO JAM FAT BLASTER

2007, $5 (in the original shrink wrapper!), at Witch City Consignment & Thrift, Salem, MA

First Impression: Accessorize your workout outfit with fingerless oven mitts!

Second Impression: Punching the air while baking sure makes a gal smile!

This is yet another workout video labeled a “Fat Blaster.” Can we not…

(sigh) America, pull up a chair.

Stop trying to blast my fat. You are supposed to have fat on your body. It keeps you warm. You are supposed to eat fat.  It is delicious. It also helps your body metabolize vitamins. Do you know what helps your brain work properly? Fat. Do you know what has  a lot of fat? Avocados. You should eat them. They make your skin nice and soft. You can pry my avocados out of my cold, dead hand. Can we exercise without body-shaming ourselves? Is that possible?  Good. OK.

The Turbo Jam crew is back with the “new secret weapon in your arsenal against flab!”

Hey, guys? Did you hear my little spiel just now about body-shaming?

“Need to lose weight fast for a special occasion?”

Um, see, rapid weight loss is neither healthy nor permanent.  I recommend choosing better habits in your daily life for overall…

Fat Blaster will do wonders for your entire body and leave you ready to show off your sexy new physique in no time!”

Maybe you shouldn’t worry about impressing other people so much.

“These fast-paced intervals will literally melt off the fat – in 30 minutes!”

Is that why they say to keep a towel handy?  Gross.

Anywhoo, it’s a good thing this DVD is only 30 minutes. The music sounds like a battle of the bands at a nightmare carnival. The choreography is punctuated with lots of weird shrugs to the camera and exclamations of “What?” As in, “What? Am I doing this routine for.”