Tag Archives: hand weights

THE BUTT BIBLE: LEVEL TWO

2011, $1.99, at Goodwill on Colorado in Eagle Rock

First Impression: In troubled times, we find comfort in turning to the Bible…

Second Impression: …The Butt Bible!

What is everyone doing as they shelter in place? I’ve been sitting on the couch, learning to knit as I watch documentaries like Tiger King.  That one is a doozy!

With so much perching on my posterior, I knew it was time to take another crack at The Butt Bible.  In Level Two, see how host Paulin Nordin and her two assistants demonstrate proper Social Distancing:

The Lower Body segment starts with a glute squeeze warmup, to “prep the butt for what’s to come.”  Pauline refers to her own behind as “Mr. Butt,” signifying it emits masculine energy. I am learning so much already.

As we do leg lifts on the floor, Pauline reiterates what sets her program apart from all others. “These people that do yoga, they all have flat butts. It’s an epidemic! I have seen it!”  You’re right, Pauline, the epidemic we should definitely be concerned about right now is the worldwide spread of flat yoga butts.

We do some plié squats and side lunges with weights as Pauline keeps up her motivational patter. “Yes, this is hard work. But when did you ever get anything worthwhile by being lazy? I may be from Sweden, but I’m not stupid.”

Indeed. I move on to the Upper Body segment.

We train the back of our shoulder with a teensy baby weight:

Pauline reinforces why this is important. “Have you heard of the French Fry people? They don’t train with weights because they don’t want to get bigger. They are skinny-fat. They look fine with clothes on, but when they take their clothes off, it’s a nightmare.” 

Speaking of nightmares, there’s this stretch:

We alternate wide-grip and narrow pushups. Pauline reveals that she can actually see us working out in our houses. “You are not safe at home.” Um, that’s not what Mayor Garcetti said in his press conference! 

Now for tricep kickbacks. “Don’t be afraid of not looking pretty while you work out,” adds Pauline, as the camera holds on the permanent pageant smile of her assistant:

Pauline attempts to reassure a common concern. “I promise you won’t get big from doing weights.”  Ahem:

“Now,” commands Pauline, “down on the ground for the gynecologist. Come on girls, spread your legs!”

Oh those Europeans and their socialized health care plan. Must be nice!