Tag Archives: hand weights

DENISE AUSTIN: SHRINK YOUR FAT ZONES PILATES

2010, $2.99, at Goodwill on San Fernando in Glendale

First Impression: Experience the slimming power of Pilates!

Second Impression: And hear the lamentations of the women!

Oh, Denise Austin, how I have missed you. Your slightly-too-wide gaze at the camera! Your stream-of-consciousness patter, intoned in your throaty, tampon-ad voice! Your low-key body shaming, reminding me that when I “wave goodbye, nothing should jiggle!”

This video is on a mission to shrink your fat zones. It’s in the title. I want to put on my science nerd hat for a minute and point out, as I’ve done before, that exercise doesn’t spot-reduce your muffin tops, love handles, food babies, fupas, chicken dumplings, high-Helens, or kimono sleeves. That’s not how it works, because science. You have to reduce your overall percentage of body fat and then hope your body cooperates with what parts you would like shrunk. 

But I’m here to tell you, Gentle Reader, that you are already perfectly beautiful just the way you are, and you don’t need to change a thing about yourself. But by all means, if you enjoy Denise Austin’s slightly unhinged demeanor I say join the party and work out to this video to your heart’s content. There’s a music-only option, so you can mute Denise’s instruction if you want. But why would you want that?  I paid $2.99 for this DVD and I’m getting in my maximum crazy!

I find it rather cruel that Denise is chiding us to “shrink that flab under the bra area,” since the workout takes place in a gutted-out Honeyduke’s Candy Shop. Chocolate is medicinal, Denise!

Denise’s backup ladies smile primly through it all, just like they were taught in that Exercise Video Performance One-Day Seminar at the Learning Annex.  One of them could only be described as Pilates Studio Barbie: 

Pilates Studio Barbie comes included in your Thrift Store Fitness play set! Stacks of DVD’s, fraying yoga mat, and inquisitive black cats sold separately.

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