Monthly Archives: November 2019

2006, $1.49, at Goodwill on Fair Oaks in Pasadena

First Impression: Celebrate the youness of you!

Second Impression: Because feeling fresh is so important.

I’m excited to find this DVD, because hip stretches are very relaxing. As I’ve written before, fitness expert Carmen Electra often asserts that “women carry their tension in their hips,” and who am I to question anything Carmen Electra says or does? 

Turns out, all you need for this workout is a fuzzy bath mat!

First, you’re supposed to stick out your tongue and pant like a dog:

“Let the breath breathe you,” suggests a disembodied male voice. He teaches us Breath of Fire, which is a pathway to transcend to a higher plane. Just kidding! It only makes you dizzy.

The voice adds, “The navel center can provide the necessary alchemy to turn emotion into devotion, sadness into gladness…” Yeah, that’s cute. So many programs have clever little sayings attached to them that sound profound, until you remember that wordplay is not wisdom.

We “work on our thyroid,” which involves jutting our head back and forth:

How does this actually open our hips? I’m feeling misled by the very title of this DVD.  Shhh… it’s time to roll your head around. It “prevents wrinkles,” asserts the voice. You know, the only person I know who doesn’t have age-appropriate wrinkles is someone who never smiles. How’s that for a yoga koan?

“Yoga is controlling the thought waves of the mind,”  chides the voice. Uh-huh.

“In order for your emotions to be balanced you need to work on your glands.” Okay, great. Of course, this means doing Cat-Cow pose, rapidly flinging yourself  back and forth while panting like Regan in the throes of possession. 

“You spine will love you for this,” the voice insists.  My spine respectfully disagrees. At this point I start speeding through the workout in Fast-O-Vision, bypassing all the Breath of Fire parts.

“Feel as though you’re breathing through your eyes.” 

WHAT.

“You have completed that set. Now let it complete you,” urges the voice.  Cue the flattering up-the-crotch-and-nostrils shot:

The disembodied voice still won’t admit that this workout has absolutely nothing to do with relaxing the hips, instead pivoting to, “It’s good for addressing compulsive behavior around food or any other substance.” Stand down, Sir, it’s Thanksgiving. I bid you good day. I said good day, Sir!