Tag Archives: 60 minutes

JILLIAN MICHAELS BEGINNERS: BACKSIDE

2006, $1.99, at Goodwill Superstore on San Fernando 

First Impression: In which, Jillian practices her coy, red-carpet stance.

Second Impression: Sassy… and assy!

Having worked over our Front Side, Jillian flips us over so we can be evenly browned on each half. We rejoin her in her minimalistic set that’s lit like a Walmart.

In the intro, Jillian tells us we’ll be doing biceps as well as back. “Why? Because they both have the same function, which is pulling.”

Wow! Now that is very useful information which she conveyed without yelling.  This isn’t a Jillian Michaels I’ve seen before. A change seems to have come over her. Whatever could it be?

I get my first clue in the way she introduces Shane, a contestant from Biggest Loser Australia. She seems… very fond of him. As he completes his first circuit, she playfully says, “Now get out of here, I don’t want to see you any more,” giving him a slap on the ass.

Oh my! Jillian’s a bit frisky. She’s more herself, if a bit softened, as she deals with Kim, who she calls “Mommy.” Then, as she works over Pete, Jillian lets us know, “Pete had never thrown up when I trained him, and that had bothered me to this day.” She uses his first and middle name, so you know she means business.

Then we rotate through the circuit, and we’re back with Shane. Shane, who as an Australian, is likely descended from convicts. Shane, who lost 160 pounds, probably in a rapid, unsafe manner. Shane, whose manner of grunting is not unlike Jason Statham’s.

Shane, who has a moment with Jillian where they lock eyes and the rest of the world falls away:

Now I see that the waistband of Jillian’s low-rise sweatpants is folded over to make them even more precariously perched atop her Lady Arch.  Someone’s putting on a little show!

We see the spark between Jillian and Shane as she passes him the dumbbells – “Oh, I just wanted to hold your hand,” she giggles. I remember being twelve, too.

When it’s time for Shane to leave, she jumps up into his arms:

And so, the curtain mercifully falls upon this very unconventional love story.

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