Tag Archives: uncomfortable banter

KATHY SMITH: THE RULES OF FAT BURNING

2002, $2.99, at Goodwill on San Fernando in Glendale

First Impression: Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.

Second Impression: Hate me because I silently judge you as I strut across the room.

These are the Rules of Fat Burning. Learn them and heed them well, Loyal Readers. But beware, for sometimes you burn the fat, and other times, the fat burns you.

There are six different workout routines on this disc, culled from Kathy Smith’s other exercise videos. 

So it would appear that Rule #1 is: Let your workouts keep working for you. Why get paid only once when you can re-mix your past work and assume no one will notice?

The first segment is the Long/Slow Workout #1: Low Impact. I recognize it from her Cardio Fat Burner, and it’s still filled with her peppy, Multi-Level-Marketing energy.

Here we are inside a giant clock tower. As I have written before about the inherent bias within the fitness industry, notice who is in the back row.

The routine is an easy mix of touch steps, v-steps with a knee lift, and hamstring curls. Kathy declares, “Now that we have the whole combo, I’d like some friends with me. How ‘bout you, Kurt?” “Here I am,” says Kurt, who has been right next to her the entire time.

And so the assembled party takes turns rotating into the coveted spot next to Kathy. But I can’t help but notice that the two people in the back never get their chance. Just when it seems like the segment is going to end without involving everyone…

…these two fine folks are allowed a turn up front with Kathy. It’s good that they were finally included, but could Kathy please explain why they were last?

Next is the Long/Slow Workout #2: Kickboxing.

We’re in a pretend boxing ring, with heavy bags that Kathy doesn’t plan to use. Rule #2 of Fat Burning is: If you hire people that look like they know what they’re doing…

…people will make the same assumption about you.

I highly recommend a kickboxing workout as an alternative to punching an actual person. There’s less apologizing afterwards.

Next, we have Interval Workout #1: Functional Fitness. This library has a view of Land of the Lost.

Kathy Smith has a bit of advice that she repeats throughout this segment, “You’ve gotta get yourself breathless.”

Shania Twain lyric, or Rule #3 of Fat Burning? You decide.

We do some side to side steps, slides, skates, and squats. She finishes off with her signature move, the shuffle.

Next we have Interval Workout #2: Jumping Rope.

You may recall that I’m not a fan of jump rope workouts, ever since Jump Into Fitness with the body-shaming woman hater. So I skip this one, because Rule #4 of Fat Burning is: Only do the workouts you enjoy.

Then we have Strength Training: Upper Body. We are back in the clock tower.

Kathy Smith is modeling the perfect top for for when you want to show off your abs, but still need to cover those neck tattoos.

As we finish out a set a tricep dips, Kathy lets out a celebratory coyote howl that scares my cats. Rule #5 of Fat Burning: It’s not enough to be working hard. You’ve got to make some noise and let everyone else know, too.

Finally, we’ve made it to Strength Training: Lower Body.

There’s a lot of standing leg lifts, squats, and toe raises, which are all moves you can do in a hotel room with no equipment. This will be useful three years from now when we are all allowed to travel again. Rule #6 of Fat Burning: Wash your hands and wear your mask so words like “hotel” and “travel” don’t become quaint anachronisms.