PILATES FOR EVERYBODY

year unknown, $1.99 (in the original shrink wrapper!), at Goodwill on Colorado in Eagle Rock

First Impression: And the weirdest family photo request at the Sears Portrait Studio goes to…

Second Impression: High kicks in the jungle room!

Of all the exercise videos that use the “every body/everybody” pun in the title, this is definitely one of them!  It’s the workout equivalent of getting your hair cut at a place called, “Shear Success,” which I did in high school. Some years ago I went to a place called “Shear Eclips” which really reached for the stars with a double pun in the name. Now I go to a lady with ouija board tattoos who collects taxidermied moths, and my hair looks great.

The DVD intro is filmed in somebody’s Los Angeles backyard with a generic wooden fence in the background. What say you, Angelinos, does this look like North Hollywood or what?

Here, instructor Lora points out instructor Nichole’s vestigial bony neck ridge. Nichole’s grimace indicates this is not the first time the subject has come up in mixed company, nor will it be the last.

Nevertheless, the two join forces and make a pact to destroy their common enemies:

We transition indoors for the workout, located in an unused Forever 21 dressing room:

It’s at this juncture that the Diva Gremlin Princess gets extremely involved with the goings-on:

So, I put a piece of paper on the floor and tell her it’s a very important document that cats are definitely not allowed to go near, and she should absolutely never touch.  Naturally, this happened:

“Let’s hug a moon,” suggests the voiceover:

And like that, the workout is over, almost before it began. This is not an exaggeration. I spent more time coaxing the cat away from the television than actually doing the exercises. The routine clocks in at 9:51, including a long, slow, fade to black. Now I know I only paid $1.99 for this DVD, but it still feels kind of like a ripoff. 

Hold up – I just did some mathing, and that works out to .003 cents per second. At these prices, this workout truly is for everybody.