Tag Archives: calisthenics

TONE IT UP! ONE DAY FAT BLAST

2010, $1.50 (in the original shrink wrapper!), at Goodwill on Colorado, Eagle Rock

First Impression: Personal Trainers by day… Private Investigators by night…

Second Impression: This fall, get pumped for… The Fit-tectives.

Here are Karena and Katrina, a couple of Bland Basics, who fell headfirst into the contouring section of Sephora.

Katrina is the prissy little one, always in pink, and Karena is the goofy tall one, always in blue. Katrina sports a gravity-defying ponytail with a piece of her own hair wrapped around it to hide the elastic. Karena has a ponytail with bangs, and her hair is much less bouncy, but that’s okay, she’s the goofy one.

They are best friends, they live together, and they work out together every day. Can you imagine how boring their evening conversations must be? “How was your day?” “I went to the gym.” “I know, I was there.” Agggghhh. No wonder they started a Detective Agency so they would have something to do.

The prissy one makes sure to hiss all her s’s to make sure you know how dainty and girly she is, even when she says words like “intenssssse.” The goofy one’s sound is out of sync with her mouth, so when she gives instructions it’s a bit disorienting. I think I want them both to stop talking.

Workout 2 is more fun than Workout 1, which features a lot of planks and those dreaded burpees. Blecccch.  Workout 2 has lots of playful curtsey squats to tone up those buns. It also features some kickboxing moves, and you all know how much I enjoy pretending to punch annoying people in the face. I’m coming for you, Katrina!

And here’s why. Prissy Katrina never stops telling us what we could be wearing if only our bodies were toned up enough.  Most people just want to be able to zip up their pants, do you get it, Katrina?  Most people don’t care to rid themselves of every last ounce of arm jiggle. That’s what sleeves are for!

So bring that tote bag full of Tupperware to Thanksgiving and make sure you take home all the leftovers you want. Karena and Katrina will be in their apartment, sharing a single celery stick until you need them.

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