Monthly Archives: September 2019

JOEL HARPER’S FIRMING AFTER 50

2009, 99 cents, at American Way Thrift Store in Burbank

First Impression: Look at that nice young man on the cover.

Second Impression: And such a big, easy-to-read font!

The routine is introduced by Dr Oz and Dr Roizen. Dr Oz doesn’t mention Green Coffee Bean extract even once, so I hope he’s okay.

This is Celebrity Trainer, Joel Harper:

If we do exactly as he says, nobody gets hurt.

We start off with the Upper Body Workout. Joel’s mom Eileen is there helping demonstrate the beginner moves, and somehow I don’t think that was her idea.

We start off with some soft, non-jarring stretches. Then Dr Roizen appears in a little window to announce, “Firming makes you sexy!” 

Wow. I don’t need to hear what the Wallace Shawn of medicine has to say on that subject.

Joel announces he’s going to “burn out our triceps,” pointing out, “my mom has a tendency to drop her elbows down.” 

She silently remembers every moment of her 28-hour labor that brought him kicking and screaming into this world.

To break the tension, Dr. Roizen pops in to inform us that, “Physical activity makes your immune system function as if you were a kid.”  That’s not good news at all! Have you ever met a child? They always have the sniffles, or pink eye, or have to throw up on something important, like a homemade afghan.

Joel finishes up the session, enunciating carefully, “That was a great workout. Be sure to drink your water, now.” I sure will, as soon as I settle in to watch Dateline.

After a nourishing, bland snack of soggy green beans and Jell-o, I start the Lower Body Workout.

We start with lifting one knee up and then tapping down our foot. “If it’s hard for you, barely come up like my mom,” Joel advises. She sends him to his room with her eyes.

Dr. Awkwardcomment reappears, declaring, “Firming helps bladder control!” I feel personally attacked, says Eileen’s long-suffering gaze.

We progress into doing some sad little squats with reaching. I’m experiencing the strangest of mixed emotions: scoffing because I find the workout too easy, and being fully aware that someday I’ll be in a physical state where this will be difficult, and knowing I’ll look back at these reviews and understand what a little whippersnapper I was. 

We crouch down, pressing knees against elbows. Joel’s look is for his mom’s new husband who isn’t his real dad!

Hooray! We’ve lived long enough to do the Abs Workout. Joel’s mom has excused herself  to write him out of her will. 

This section is a fairly standard series of setups and bicycle crunches, until we get to Jumping Jack Planks. Nope, can’t do ‘em. Behold, my inevitable decrepitude begins!

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