Tag Archives: talky

5 MILE FAT BURNING WALK

2008, $2.99 (in the original shrink wrapper!), at Goodwill on San Fernando in Glendale

First Impression: Who says I can’t be the drum majorette?

Second Impression: This time they’ll see. They’ll all see!

Weight of the world got ya down? Need to exercise the stress away, but the world is burning all around you? Has your city’s air quality reached “unregulated factory town” levels? Have I got the exercise DVD for you!

We’re walking five miles with Leslie Sansone, Queen of Indoor Walking and person who screams with delight when she spots you at the Pick ’n’ Pay.

After auditioning to be a Tina Fey character, Leslie shows us the four basic steps of indoor walking. Besides regular walking, there’s a lil ol’ side step, a sassy kick, and a knee lift. Don’t forget to tuck that tummy, now!

What is going on in the picture behind her?  Did the two of them just sucker-punch that third woman? 

Perhaps we’ll find out in Mile Two, when Leslie is joined by some of her friends on the never-ending search for fitness. I really wish Leslie would theme a walking video to the Wizard of Oz, where the studio is set up like the Yellow Brick Road, and every segment she’s joined by more costumed friends, talking loudly in Mid-Atlantic accents. Call me, Leslie. I have ideas.

But for now, we’ll have to settle for Leslie greeting a friend with an earnest “Nicky!  Hi, honey. Let’s hold hands a little bit.”

Meanwhile, this one plans to use her footage for a Rockettes audition:

We’ve made it to Mile Three. Everyone changed their shirt!

The music changes to a generic guitar-driven instrumental. I imagine if there were lyrics, they would be something about driving ‘round this town, living wild ’n’ free forever… tonight!

Now, at Mile Four, we’re joined by a token male. “Thanks for showing up today, Tom!”

It turns out that Tom is married to Shirley, who is inexplicably across the room, and they have a son and he’s getting married soon and isn’t that wonderful and zzzzzzzz.  What I really wanna know is, where did the lady in the picture get her kitten heels?

I’ve been trying to find a kitten heel shoe for about two years now, and no one carries them. Okay, they have a slingback version, but do you hate your Achilles tendons?

We made it to Mile Five! “It’s just me! I hope that’s okay,” says Leslie, in a charmingly self-deprecating way.

She reminds us to retract our shoulder blades while lifting our knees, and to “always choose what’s right for you.” Now that’s a true friend.