Tag Archives: partner fitness

YOGA TO THE RESCUE FOR NECK AND SHOULDERS

2009, $2.99 (in the original shrink wrapper!), at Goodwill Superstore on San Fernando

First Impression: Oh, hello there!

Second Impression: I thought I would show you just how unsightly the bottom of a human foot can look.

I mean, feet are kind of weird looking. They don’t make for good photographs.  Unless you like that sort of thing.  In that case, enjoy!  It’s a free country. For now.

The yoga session begins.  A very fit couple have journeyed through the Astral Plane to face each other in a round room made of fabric. There’s a table with candles.  Wait, are those candles lit? Is that an open flame right near the yards and yards of very flammable-looking fabric? Suddenly, the spiritual feeling is undercut with dramatic tension.  Will this couple make it out alive, or is this place going to ignite faster than you can say “Triangle Shirtwaist Factory?”

For a DVD that is supposed to be easing the tightness in your neck and shoulders, the threat of dying horribly in a fire is definitely not helping.  But I try to focus on the exercises, because they really are very effective.

The voice-over is peppered with those yoga phrases that I just don’t understand, and never will: “move the heads of your arm bones.” The heads of your arm bones? Do you mean my shoulders? If you meant shoulders, why didn’t you just say shoulders? The first time a yoga teacher said that to me in class, I imagined a little face on each one of my shoulders.  The teacher kept saying it to me louder and louder, so I guess whatever she wanted me to do, I wasn’t doing. Finally I said, “my arm doesn’t have a face,” which prompted her to give a lecture about being “more open to the possibilities.” Awesome, lady. I still don’t know where the heads of my arm bones are.

At the end of the 30-minute arm-bone stretch fest, the camera zooms in to the table with the aforementioned candles.  We see that they are indeed lit, the wax is melted and dripping, and the breeze is blowing the remaining flames ever closer towards the fabric. The camera mercifully cuts there, and all we have is this yoga routine to remember the instructors by.