1993, $2.99, at Goodwill on San Fernando in Glendale

First Impression: Each sunset, the mysterious cowboy tips his hat to me.

Second Impression: I’ve never, ever seen his face.

That sounds like the beginning of a terrible novel, doesn’t it? BRB, gonna write a Quarantine Book.

Meanwhile, here’s instructors Wiley and Tresa:

Wiley keeps winking his left eye. He should really get that looked at. Pink eye’s getting around like a rooster in a hen house.

Tresa issues a playful challenge: “Everybody knows that guys can’t move more than their feet, riiiight?

That cuts him deep.

He asserts that the guys watching this video will learn how to line dance with their whole body, or else he owes her dinner.

It might not surprise you to learn that this dramatic thread is never resolved, nor even mentioned again. Also, is she wearing a banana clip? Yaaaasssss!

The first dance we learn is called Black Velvet. Wiley lets us know that the way to learn these dances is to rewind and look at them again. “I hope you got control of the remote away from her, gentlemen.”

Hahahahahaha shut up, Wiley.

This dance features a hitch-and-step, which is the same as a kick-ball-change, but don’t you dare call it that because this ain’t some Broadway vegan tofu dance, this here’s a Country Line Dance and we’ve brought hay bales indoors, dammit.

Next up is the Wild Wild West, which starts out with triple steps. Then there’s a glitch in the DVD, oh no! I skip to the next lesson.

This one’s called Tulsa Time.  Side-together, side-together, grapevines, feet together, then click your heels because there’s no place like home!

I’m sure this man in the luxurious mullet is actually Bill Hader gone deep undercover, but my suspicions remain unconfirmed.

Next we have Kentucky Chug, with lots of hopping and slapping your boot heel, Tumbleweed, with a fun slide to one side, and Reggae Cowboy, where you kick your foot and clap at the same time. Wiley reminds the gentlemen to clap with both hands.

What I find interesting is that the moves are all basically steps you would do in salsa. But I say this having been a swing dancer, so what do I know? Only that this lady in the red-white-and-blue fringey shirt is living her best life:

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