2016, $2.99, at Goodwill Superstore on San Fernando

First Impression: Is my deodorant working?

Second Impression: Does my armpit smell like chloroform to you?

This workout includes segments incorporating the Body By Simone Band™ which, to my surprise, is actually included in the DVD case!

The band is still in a plastic wrapper, making it resemble a piece of fruit leather.  As you can see, the Diva Gremlin Princess is inspecting the packaging for me to make sure it’s all up to snuff. 

Instructor Simone De La Rue is a former Broadway dancer, so she’s got pep and zazz! She also has a charming Australian accent, and often lets out a big Muppety screech to emphasize a huge physical effort.

All of the blonde Australian dancers I’ve worked with have been super hilarious and swore like sailors, so I’m sure this will be fun. We’re in a loft with her Fembots, welcoming us with the “air hug” that has become the common greeting of 2020:

The warmup involves lots of bouncing and smiling. There’s also something… disorienting? About the movement? It’s hard to explain what was off about the way the frame rate looks onscreen, (crisp, yet smeary?) but it was enough that I considered just shutting off the workout and showing you pictures of my cat instead:

Despite feeling like I was in my own personal Black Mirror episode, I persevered, and discovered that standing on one foot will give you that hungry, toned look you’ve always wanted.

I wonder if Simone was ever in Riverdance, because there’s a Irish step dance section, using a hand towel as a prop. 

Yeah, I don’t get the towel part either. But no matter! Next is the “epic leg series” featuring the BBS band.

Using the band is difficult not only because it adds a lot of resistance to your movements, but because it rolls up into a tight ropy coil that digs into your flesh. But how do you know you are alive if you are not suffering?

In this cardio segment, one of the dancers can’t stop laughing because her band has narrowed into a knife’s edge that threatens to bisect her legs, and she cannot believe how badly this hurts.

Finally, there’s some ab work using the hand towel to pull on your neck good and hard. I’m so busy being confused about it, that I forget how much the weird frame rate of this video made me slightly queasy, and also full of existential dread. Welcome to the perfect workout for 2020.

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