2003, $2.99, at Goodwill on San Fernando in Glendale
First Impression: Mind! Body! Soul!
Second Impression: Worry! Pain! Angst!
I am so delighted to work out once more with Denise Austin, who gives instructions as if she is whispering secrets. Judging by the blood-red sky in the background, today’s fitness adventure is set in the decrepit ruins of a castle in the wastes of Mordor:
I spot two hobbits passing by with a ring. Denise Austin calls out to them, “One does not simply walk into Mordor!”
Denise is joined by her two assistants, maidens fair. They each have shoulder-length curly bobbed tresses, one of spun gold and one of darkest ebony:
A knight rides up on his noble steed and asks them to let down their hair, and they’re like, “Listen up, fool, we cut our hair off cause we’re sick of you popping over at all hours. So why don’t you take a hike over to Rapunzel and leave us alone?” I would guess that making a ladder out of one’s hair is neither convenient nor comfortable. But I wouldn’t know. I’m not a princess, I’m a unicorn.
The video never does explain why Rapunzel lives on the edge of Mordor. I guess it was a different time.
We start the workout with some yoga stretches. Soon it becomes clear that Denise Austin covets the heart of Rose Red. She aims to devour it to reclaim her youth:
Oh, dear! A maiden in peril! Next thing you know, that pesky knight’s gonna come around again to save everybody. Ugh, he is such a bore.
Oh fiddlesticks! Now Denise Austin is after the heart of Snow White. This simply will not do. Denise Austin, does your thirst for vital organs never cease?
All right. Crisis averted. We move to the low wall of the castle for some perfectly appropriate, non-murdery ballet stretches:
It’s a good vantage point for spotting approaching knights, so the ladies have time to hang up their “We’ve got Plague” banner.