DENISE AUSTIN: BLAST AWAY THE POUNDS INDOOR WALK

DeniseAustinBlastAwayWalk

2005, $2.99 (in the original shrink wrapper!), at Goodwill on Brand in Glendale

First Impression: Her arms say, “let’s go for a walk.”

Second Impression: But her eyes say, “let’s stay in.”

The heavily Photoshopped cover is from an alternate dimension where Britney Spears never auditioned for The New Mickey Mouse Club, and became an aerobics instructor instead.

Denise Austin brings her signature koo-koo bird style to her presentation of this workout. In this three-camera setup, Denise Austin masterfully switches her laser gaze from one angle to the next, often punctuated by exclamations of “Burn fat! Yeaaaah!” This happens with such rapidity that it’s unintentionally hilarious.

After the workout, we are treated to a series of cooldown stretches. Denise Austin guides us in her husky voice, which begins to sound semi-pornographic. “Ooooooh, feels so good! Yeah, that’s it,” she coos, as she directs us to bend over and really get into our gluteous maximus.

This indoor fit walk comes to us, apparently, from a desert retreat for agoraphobics. The participants walk in a sort of covered patio with large arched windows that reveal the infinite, frightening outdoors. This is no exaggeration – the backdrop is a rocky desert landscape the color of raw meat.   You will contemplate the Svenkmeyer scenery as Denise Austin leads you through three indoor walking routines. In the process, she will show you something far more terrifying.

In close-up shots, Denise Austin has a way of tilting up her face and opening her eyes so wide that the white is visible all around the iris. This, coupled with the manic flash of her perfect, pearly choppers, gives her the air of a caged animal about to run amok.

But there’s no running in this video. Only walking. Only three, one-mile walking routines, in which you are restricted to a five-by-five foot patch of floor. This is your walking space, and you will go no further. You don’t want to actually go outside, do you? Out into the gory outdoors the color of a fresh wound? No. It’s much safer in here, don’t you think? Step lively, now.

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