JILLIAN MICHAELS KICKBOX FASTFIX

2012, $2.24, at Goodwill Superstore on San Fernando

First Impression: This workout is going to gut you like a fish!

Second Impression: Uhh… (checks notes) rather, “cut you up quick.”

Lace up those shoes and get moving before Jillian Michaels pops you one in the kisser! This DVD has three intense, 20-minute workouts, so let’s get ripped!

At the start of Workout One, we gather in a Gotham City loft for the first day of Superhero Training Academy.  

This workout is focused on the upper body, so we start by jumping with a pretend rope and wailing on a pretend speed bag. It’s all to be expected, until Jillian Michaels wants to play horsey. 

I mean, that’s fun and all, but does she ever offer to be the pony? It’s only fair to take turns.

Next, Jillian instructs us to “kick our opponent’s ribs.” This one’s all, “on it!”

This DVD is chock-full of violent imagery, as Jillian encourages us to visualize knocking someone over or breaking their bones. We practice elbow strikes, and also taking down the patriarchy.

Meanwhile, this superstar, the Queen of Mean Mugging, steals the show:

Now for Workout Two, which focuses on lower body. 

“Drive that knee into your partner’s head!” demands Jillian Michaels. I don’t think she’s kidding:

Look out! Someone just told these women to smile:

I would run.

This routine is no joke. At the end of the last round of jump squats, Jillian utters, “Ugh! That sucked!”

Hey, time for Workout Three, and look at us gals, being casual!

This routine focuses on our abdominals, but first, more kicking!

Jillian Michaels, personal trainer, wordsmith, lets us know that “It’s called a Snap Kick ’cause that’s how you would pop someone in the groin.” I am learning so much!

After a few more standing exercises, as Jillian would say, “it’s not over” and we get down on the floor to sprawl…

…and then pull ourselves into a tucked position. This is fun, and you can feel your whole body working. As an added bonus, nobody gets kicked!

At the end of these three routines, I definitely felt like I got in a great workout. The graphic descriptions of how to visualize the moves might be off-putting to some. Or, if you find yourself feeling big, 2020-style feelings, this just might be the catharsis you need.