Tag Archives: Cardio Barre

POP PHYSIQUE HARDCORE

2012, $2.99, at Goodwill on San Fernando in Glendale

First Impression: “The people that brought you Original Butt are taking it to the core!”

Second Impression: They sure are.

This DVD reunites us with Pop Physique experts Sam, Karyn, and Ashley. It’s always good to see them and marvel at their pointless outfits:

Karyn leads this video in a burlesque onesie and over-the-knee goth socks. Ashley, who declines to speak on camera with Garbo-like diffidence, has knotted a set of gossamer fairy wings about her torso for just a hint of mystical warmth. Sam is rocking her Sexy Bride of Frankenstein Halloween costume. Right from your workout to the party, so practical!

This video’s title is a double entrendre because the exercises do work out your core muscles, and it’s also not for the faint of heart. I’ve done other Pop Physique workouts, and this one had me crying like a little baby.

We ramp up with my most dreaded of all moves, the Plank. This exercise is as difficult as it is ubiquitous, and the Pop Physique ladies love to torture me with all its variations. Plank with Leg Lifts! Plank with Rocking Motion! Plank with Hip Dips! I look at the clock and it’s only like, four minutes into a 65 minute workout. Shazzbot.

Meanwhile, the kitten lounges nearby on a folded-up yoga blanket, watching me with childlike devotion. She yawns and stretches out her hind legs. Exercise is so exhausting!

We move through an arm series with weights, a leg series where I cling to the back of my office chair for dear life, and a kooky move I call the Chiropactor’s Delight. You sit on the floor with one leg curled in front of you and the other curled behind you. Then you tilt forward and lift your back leg off the floor. Give it a try. I’ll wait. Wow, that’s hard, isn’t it? Karyn assures us that it really gets into your “love handle” area, but this activity is so painful that I consider just investing in Mom Jeans and giving up on this fitness thing entirely.

We finish off on the floor with an ab series that involves curling in your spine and leaning backwards. The correct alignment is inevitably the most painful one, balanced right on the tip of your tailbone. This is how I discover I have a vestigial tail, because otherwise why would that hurt so damn much? I evict the kitten from the blanket so I can pad my behind. Having a tail herself, she completely understands.

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