Tag Archives: 45 minutes

SELF FIRM FLAT ABS FAST!

2005, $2.99, at Goodwill on San Fernando in Glendale

First Impression:  All hail our abdominal overlords!

Second Impression: Look upon their perfection, and despair.

How fortunate that this video begins with a non-skippable advertisement for ladies’ Reebok shoes, “now available at Foot Locker,” then another ad for Fruit of the Loom. You know, the one with the people dressed up as fruit?  I used to love those ads when I was a kid. I especially thought it was clever that the apple guy wears a little hat with a stem on it.  Fast forward to college, and I attend a sketch comedy show with people wearing paintings around their necks and talking in bad French accents. They’re the Fruit of the Louvre Guys!

After four minutes of advertisements, and a three minute intro, I’m antsy to get to the workout. Fortunately, during this time I’m distracted because New Kitten has the zoomies.

The instructor and her two sporty, sports bra sporting assistants demonstrate the exercises on a sad truncated seaside boardwalk.  I appreciate that one of the models has a little bit of a tummy pooch, because, don’t we all? The workout goes by pretty fast because it’s divided up into sections. We do standing abs with weights, then a typical abdominal mat workout. Then we move on to working out with a stability ball, which I do not own. During that part I go check in the mirror to see if my abs look like the cover model’s yet. Spoiler: they don’t.

At some point in the workout, we are instructed to “anchor your tongue to the roof of your mouth to stabilize your neck.” I have never heard this advice before. I’m supposed to worry about what my tongue is doing now? Fitness is a commitment, man.

After the cool down, the instructor talks to us in close-up. You know, woman to woman. She offers up about five minutes of diet tips. Did you know that soda is full of calories?  And that burning calories is how you lose weight?  Now, she didn’t exactly say that you should place a can of soda on the barbecue to keep fit, but she didn’t tell us not to, either.

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