Tag Archives: boring

THE BUTT BIBLE: LEVEL THREE

2011, $1.99, at Goodwill on Colorado in Eagle Rock

First Impression: The thrilling conclusion of the Butt Bible Trilogy.

Second Impression: Level Three: The Glutening.

Loyal Readers, I know that the Butt Bible program has taken a distinct, if dubious place in your hearts. Let us go now to the final chapter of this Hero’s Journey, where the Mentor is a muscle-y Swedish woman and the Elixir is a firm, round bum.

Get ready for the Lower Body section! Pauline Nordin is back with some Level Three body-shaming, and what’s that iron bar for, anyway?

She is flanked by her usual helpers, Terianne and Madison, whose knowing sidelong looks are as priceless as ever.

As in the previous two workouts, the workout begins with a simple glute squeeze. “Squeeze those cheeks together!” Pauline barks. “Change that flat ass to round, perky buns!”

And to that end, we do a series of complicated, one-legged squats, with a barbell across our shoulders and one foot on a chair behind us like this:

Then we put down the barbell, move the chair, and do one-legged squats without equipment. Yawn. The only thing that makes it entertaining is Pauline’s constant patter about the virtues and finer points of the exercise program/religion she’s founded.

“Okay, now you know why it’s called the Butt Bible…” then the disc glitches and she never completes her thought.

I take the DVD out and clean it. There are no scratches, no smudges. I can’t get the disc to play past the 10:26 mark. 

Oh, well! Let’s try the Upper Body section.

We kick up our legs to meet our hands and swing our arms around. My favorite part of this workout is when the camera catches Madison shooting Pauline looks of absolute contempt, while still maintaining her professional smile:

“Be careful here,” Pauline warns, “this is an advanced move.”

Who else has a six-pack on their armpits? Show of hands.

We do a round of shoulder presses, pullbacks, and bicep curls. “I don’t like flabby arms,” Pauline opines, “they can look disgusting.”

Hold on, lady. Are you telling the people who bought this DVD, some of whom may have actually paid more than $1.99, that they look disgusting? We are all doing our best here.

“It’s so sad to see those arms get all mushy,” she continues. 

Pauline, can you not see that we are working on it? What a troll. She’s like your inner critic brought to life and given a TV contract.

The DVD glitches again. It won’t play or advance to the next chapter, so I eject it. And we all lived happily ever after.