Tag Archives: dance

RICHARD GIORIA’S CARDIO BARRE

2008, $1.00, at Goodwill on San Fernando in Glendale

First Impression: Here the camera captures a stolen private moment between a woman and her barre.

Second Impression: (gasp) Is the barre about to propose?

The cover of this DVD promises, several times, that it contains four workouts. False! It does, in fact, not. However, I do not consider this a bug, but a feature. One of these routines is just plenty. Let’s get into it. 

Our instructor is undercooked David Duchovny, Richard Gioria:

Even though no one asked him, he proclaims, “Dancers are known to have the best legs and butts!”  It’s not about placing a value judgment on what is better or worse. It’s your butt, and I’m sure you were thankful for it last weekend as you sat upon it to binge American Horror Story and knit. No? Just me?

I don’t have a barre, so I’ll settle for my wheeled desk chair, while trying not to disturb the Diva Gremlin Princess.

Now we know that this is the perfect DVD to entertain your pets while you are out. It certainly explains the Cath Bath Stretch:

At any rate, I quickly discover that this workout has very little to do with ballet. There’s a lot of whipping your torso up and down and all around, while holding a ballet barre. It’s old-school 80’s aerobics with prima ballerina pretentions, like Heavenly Bodies meets Black Swan.

I rest my case, Your Honor.

The exercises aren’t without merit, however. Richard does reveal the secret to a trim waistline: Cardo Pattycake!

“Let’s get rid of the guacamole we ate last night,” Richard suggests, as he goes around the room and pumps everybody leg like he’s trying to get water out of a well.

“You’re working right on the panty line, ladies.” Ugh. Stop. I don’t need to hear a strange man discuss my panty line. Undeterred, he gets underneath the chassis to check the oil.

Now we bust out the one pound hand weight. Time to get jacked!  Can you see the weight? Here, I’ll circle it for you:

Richard plays the inevitable body-shaming card as he makes an “amirite ladies” comment about the jiggly spot on your upper arm. This one serves up the only appropriate response: