Tag Archives: Celebrity Host

JILLIAN MICHAELS: BANISH FAT, BOOST METABOLISM

2008, $2.99, at Goodwill Superstore on San Fernando

First Impression: Ignite your fat-burning potential!

Second Impression: And Photoshop that torso!

So, how are you holding up? Mayor Garcetti closed down all the gyms in Los Angeles, necessitating those on a quest for fitness to ask, “How can I get swole and/or jacked in the comfort of my own home?”

Just because we’re in quarantine doesn’t mean we can’t get lean!  I don’t know about you, Loyal Readers, but when I have two weeks’ worth of food in the house, I stress-eat all of it in about four days. So join me along with Jillian Michaels and keep from gaining the “COVID Nineteen.”

This is a series of seven circuits, bookended by a tiny warmup and cooldown. Jillian assures us that if we do this workout, we will look just as hot as her two assistants, Kristin and Saleemah.

We start the warmup by swimming our arms around, then touching our toes. I’ll be ripped in no time!

Now, this wouldn’t be a Jillian Michaels workout if we didn’t have barking and pontificating. It’s what we signed up for. What a relief it is to have something constant in this uncertain world.  

“This is not your mother’s workout!”  That is, in fact, correct. I remember my mother riding a stationery bicycle as she waved her arms around. I think this was back when our kitchen was orange.

We do a jab-cross, jab-cross hop. Saleemah gets some air!

Never one to be upstaged, the Diva Gremlin Princess leaps into position. As you can see, she’s practicing for Halloween already:

“The harder you push that body, the faster it’s going to change,” Jillian reminds us. I know, I know… gotta look good for the plague doctor.

We do calisthenics like high knees and jumping jacks, with a respite of standing side crunches in between. Now to the floor for some mountain climbers:

 “You should be so winded! You should be praying for death it’s so hard,” Jillian recommends. 

But now, more than ever, what do we say to the God of Death? Not today.

“Are your abs like that naturally?” Jillian asks Assistant Kristin. “I’m gonna kill you. I’m gonna jump you in the parking lot after the shoot today.” Erm, what?

I would like it to be known that I held plank, then tabletop, with the additional challenge of having my Diva Gremlin Princess on my back, making muffins and poking tiny holes in my flesh with her dainty murder paws.

After all, just because we’re getting buff while the world ends, doesn’t mean we can’t be a lady.