2005, $2.99 (in the original shrink wrapper!), at Goodwill Superstore on San Fernando
First Impression: Guess who’s never had a caesarean?
Second Impression: Trick question! The answer is yours truly, but also, probably the cover model, because look at her.
Thank goodness that’s over, I mean, Happy New Year! Now, let’s start on those resolutions, and get slim and sleek, which is exactly how I would describe an underfed ferret.
Step one, line up on the beach:
Marie, the supporting player on the left, looks familiar… it turns out, this is Marie Forleo from Dance off the Inches: Tummy Tone Party Zone.
What’s Marie doing now? Why, of course she’s a life coach, whom Oprah calls “one of the thought leaders of the next generation.” Thought leaders? After watching all those NXIVM documentaries I find the whole concept suspicious.
But never fear, Marie doesn’t have a microphone today, and won’t be leading us anywhere with her thoughts. Instead we have national treasure Ellen Garrett, with exactly the right energy for your first serious workout of the year.
She’s somehow authoritative yet gentle, encouraging without being overly earnest. We’re getting a workout without making a big deal about it, which is actually what I want from exercise all the time.
The warmup is a ballet interval with pliés, leg lifts and standing side crunches. Chill-hop flute music ends, signaling our transition to the cardio segment.
Ellen manages to make kickboxing seem like a frolic by the shore:
Now for the weight training segment, underscored by… accordion music? I dig it.
And now, for my favorite part of any workout:
“Circle your arms like you’re tracing the full moon,” Ellen offers, by way of suggestion.
They never say “doughnut.” Just once, I would like a fitness host to recommend we visualize pastry when making our arm movements.
Later, the camera finds Ellen by the pool to share some final thoughts about fitness, being good to yourself, you know, whateves, before they call it a wrap and hand her a drink with an umbrella in it.