2003, $2.99, at Goodwill on Brand in Glendale

First Impression: Denise Austin is a little teapot.

Second Impression: Here is her handle, here is her spout.

Denise Austin is blasting things again! She has presented us with the Best Belly Fat-Blasters, and shown us how to Blast Away The Pounds. She would agree with Han Solo that nothing beats a good blaster at your side. Pew, pew!

What a violent expression for getting fit. You should be exercising because you like yourself and want to feel good, not because you are bad and need to be punished.

The DVD cover assures me that “the yoga body is the hottest trend in fitness today.” Coming in at a close second must be that horrible day-glo clothing that crawled out of the 80’s and died on the Target sale rack. It just… doesn’t look good on anyone.

But Denise Austin and friends are dressed in tasteful pinks and grays as they lead us through a progression of yoga poses done so quickly, that it feels like calisthenics. I struggle to keep up, mostly because the cat decides that the exact center of my yoga mat is where he needs to be.

The strength building section is easier to follow, because we hold the poses instead of whipping through them. In the final part of the routine, Denise Austin and her fat-blasting brigade are working out with stability balls. I don’t own one, because those big balls take up an entire room in your house. I follow along anyway and approximate the exercises as best I can without having any balls.

The next morning I woke up and discovered I had ripply abs with a line down the center like the picture of Denise Austin that I kind of made fun of. The abs disappeared sometime during the day due to “workplace potluck bloat.” There were Oreos baked inside chocolate chip cookies, Spam sushi, and meat pies. I regret nothing.

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