DENISE AUSTIN YOGA BODY BURN

2007, $2.07, at Goodwill Superstore on San Fernando

First Impression: Denise Austin is smiling like she has a secret.

Second Impression: The secret is just how much this photo was airbrushed.

I want Jennifer Aniston to star in “Crazy Eyes: The Denise Austin Story.” Here’s the picture that made this occur to me:

See? It’s uncanny.

Jennifer Aniston is an experienced yoga practitioner herself, and has demonstrated her ability to rock a “bronde” hairdo with soft, face-framing layers.  I’m sure she could come up with a comedic portrayal with a heart at its center, much as Cybill Shepherd did in her depiction of Martha Stewart. I do not know why I’m not working in the story department of Lifetime.

The first ten seconds of each segment have no audio.  I’m not sure if this is a flaw in the disc, or if the disc was so well-loved by the previous owner that the edges of the sound just got worn off. Is that a thing?  Does that happen? Does it matter?

Not really, because soon my attention is diverted to the two backup yoga helpers. They are the twin girls from The Shining, all grown up and ready to frighten you with yoga. “Play with us,” they beseech, performing a supernaturally assisted backbend.

The routine starts off innocently enough, and then gains momentum. Denise zips through the Vinyasa like she’s in a hurry to catch a plane. Jesus, slow down, lady. Maybe she knows that her two assistants are the spawn of hell, and is highly motivated to complete the workout before blood pours out of some elevator doors.

The otherworldly hell-twins have distracted Denise into a state of aphasia. “Point your… your…” she gasps, as she gestures wildly at the extremity at the end of her leg. “Foot!” she finally says, with relief that she has not lost the power of speech entirely.

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