Tag Archives: talky

BARRY’S BOOTCAMP 100O CALORIE WORKOUT

2008, $1.99 (in the original shrink wrapper!), at Goodwill Superstore on San Fernando

First Impression: Hollywood’s secret calorie burning routine of the stars!

Second Impression: That’s a lie. They just don’t eat two days out of every week.

The back of the DVD proclaims, in all caps, that this is the best workout in the world. I choose to type it in lowercase because we need a little calm before the storm that is Barry’s Bootcamp.

The workout begins with a short man yelling, “Hi I’m Barry Jay!” in a voice that sounds like a hoarse, deranged baby.

This is fitness expert, Cindy Whitmarsh.

She does the lion’s share of demonstrating the exercises as Barry yells, or to be diplomatic, “cares loudly.” Barry spends a lot of time trying to look down Cindy’s sports bra, seemingly unaware that there is a camera on him at all times.

Why isn’t it “Cindy’s Bootcamp,” since Barry not actually doing any of the exercises? Oh, wait… Barry joins in for the last ten jumping jacks.

Not all heroes wear capes.

Most of the workout is done with a stretchy band and a giant inflatable green pill, neither of which I have. But if Barry can stand there and go through the motions, so can I.

“Madison is showing us the modifications,” Barry explains. Her expression says, please don’t come over here. Please don’t come over here.

“How ya doing, Madison?” Ah crap.

In an odd power move, Barry starts interrogating his helpers about their dietary habits.

“Let’s talk about food. Cindy, what did you have for breakfast?”

One of those Pop Tarts that looks like a Hostess cupcake.

“Oatmeal and egg whites,” she lies.

“Madison, what did you have for breakfast?” 

Coffee and four Milano cookies.

“Vegetable omelet and yogurt,” fibs Madison.

One of his helpers admits she had Froot Loops, but Barry doesn’t dwell on this. He’s moved on to violating HIPAA law by telling us all about Cindy’s C-section. He mentions it twice.

Cindy soldiers on, pinching her face into a pretty smile. Now I realize why she looks so familiar. I realize I’ve seen her in Tighter Assets with Tamilee.

Now it’s time for Barry to get real. “You know, when I first started working out, I couldn’t even do one pushup, “ Barry muses.

And he’s still not doing them now.

Mercifully, we’ve made it to the cooldown stretch, underscored by a terrible ballad.

The script compels Cindy to prod, “Who wrote this song, Barry?” 

“I did. Words and music,” he admits, in a voice that sounds like someone took sandpaper to a pack of Marlboros.