CARMEN ELECTRA: AEROBIC STRIPTEASE IN THE BEDROOM

2007, $2.99, at Goodwill Superstore on San Fernando

First Impression: Her left hand says “I might pull my shirt up.”

Second Impression: Her right hand says, “Nope!”

“I’m so excited to be here with you in your bedroom,” says Carmen Electra in the intro. Actually, we’re in my living room/office/cats’ bathroom, but okay. 

We start with a Sensual Warmup, which is basically bed-top yoga. Carmen wears the sides of her hair pulled back like Jennifer Connolly in Labyrinth. I also notice she has on Chuck Taylors, the sexiest of all workout shoes. I can hear a Mom Voice in my head yelling, “No shoes on the bed,” but it’s for a good reason, Mom! I do these workouts for science!

The bed is furnished with a luxurious lavender comforter and satin pillows, accented by a piece of cardboard stolen from an Anthropologie display. The bed itself is carved from an evil chocolate bar:

After the warmup comes the Temperature Rising Routine. The duvet is red now and Carmen is the catch of the day in her fishnet wrestling outfit:

The curtains are opened to show off a beautiful matte painting of Las Vegas. The set decorator has done a great job of sprinkling rose petals on the faux windowsill. This part of the room becomes the focus of the dance, when Carmen instructs us to place our hands on the window, while sticking our butts out. It’s a safety precaution to leave your fingerprints all around the hotel room so that you can be traced if something goes wrong.

The routine has lots of sliding on and off the bed, followed by sitting down to cross your legs and whip your hair around. There’s a move where you hold your arms up, kneel on the bed, and slide your knees apart and back together. This is super painful and not at all fun.

The last move is to “get on your knees, grab a pillow, give it a hug”… and I was really hoping Carmen would instruct us to “smother your partner with it.” Instead, you kind of hump the pillow, then toss it up in the air… to imply a moment of completion? You betcha.

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