2012, $2.99, at Goodwill on San Fernando in Glendale

First Impression: When your butt is educated, you can be a smartass.

Second Impression: Thank you everybody! Goodnight!

School’s out for summer. Miss the classroom? Wanna feel smart? Hot for teacher?  Welcome to Butt School!

Butt School is brought to you by the letter B, the peach emoji, and the good folks who produced Pop Physique: Original Butt, the very first exercise video I ever reviewed.  Over three years later, I’m delighted to return to that same blond-wood exercise studio with Sam, Karyn, and Ashley, who are getting warmed up for their American Apparel photo shoot:

You know, I wouldn’t think that Breast Floss™ layered with a Bond Girl’s discarded golden bandeau would be a practical choice for exercise, but Karyn is making it work:

Likewise, Sam makes over-the-knee socks look appealing and not at all itchy. But word to the wise: on a normal person, okay, me, these socks will make your legs look like discounted sausages. We learn a lot of important lessons in Butt School.

Such as: when you find it painful to balance on the tip of your tailbone for ab work, it’s okay to pause the DVD so you can get a blanket for padding, have a sip of water, and peek out the front door to spy on the fluffy gray kitten that’s been hanging around on the walkway. Is it a stray? It doesn’t seem underfed, just inquisitive. Also: careful about leaving out food for the gray kitten, because a baby skunk comes around to eat the food and you don’t want that thing to detonate near your front door.

Recess over. Class is back in session. There’s plenty of moves that look impossible, but are just very, very difficult. Like the variation of the V-Up where you twist to the side and bend your limbs like a lightning bolt:

Oh, now there’s the bell. Class dismissed! But make sure to keep up with your homework. You don’t want your butt to forget everything it just learned.

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