2007, $2.99, at Goodwill on San Fernando 

First Impression: Congrats to the photoshop artist!

Second Impression: They successfully stretched Carmen Electra’s torso past the limits of believability! 

Carmen Electra, the sexy, fit expert on sexy fitness, makes her introduction in front of some pink curtains that, if they were not intended to resemble the folds of a vagina, it is certainly one hell of a coincidence:

Carmen lets us know this workout is straight “from the city that’s famous for the Strip… in more ways than one!” She adds a little, rehearsed chuckle. The professional dancers behind her are not amused by this. They are not here for the bullshit.

Clad in low top Chuck Taylors, the official rehearsal footwear of burlesque, Carmen breaks down the routine several eight counts at a time. “Let’s try it with music,” she suggests. We all wait for an eternity for the beat to come around. Carmen smiles, growing visibly nervous. The backup dancers just glare at the camera. They aren’t being paid per smile. Civilizations rise, empires fall, and then the music starts. 

After teaching us the whole dance, Carmen changes into her best mime outfit for the final performance:

There’s lots of annoying close-ups and slo-mo effects, which makes it impossible to follow the dancers. At the end she can be seen mouthing the words “One more time?” but they don’t do the choreography again. You were expected to learn the whole dance just from that. Oh, well, I guess I won’t get to be a Vegas showgirl after all.

The bonus material features a few interviews, which are shot in the style of a kidnapper’s “proof of life” video. Here’s choreographer Jennifer Galardi, who can claim sole responsibility for Kim Kardashian’s “Fit in your Jeans by Friday” masterpiece:

Here’s the the woman who admits to being this DVD’s scriptwriter:

Hold up. Workout videos have writers? Are they hiring? Because I’ve worked out to over 200 of these things, and I could write them, easy-peasy. Are any exercise DVD producers out there? I am here for all your silly dialogue needs!

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