KIM KARDASHIAN – FIT IN YOUR JEANS BY FRIDAY: AMAZING ABS BODY SCULPT

2009, 99 cents, at the Silverlake 99 Cents Store

First Impression: This DVD was on offer in the same aisle where they sell
roach poison.

Second Impression: It’s the same kind of goo-in-a-tube that the exterminator uses. It works really well!

At this point it’s impossible for me to separate the real Kim Kardashian from the impression of her that Nasim Pedrad does. So when her personal trainer deadpans, “Look how far Kim is able to go down,” it takes a second for me to register that yes, we are talking about a plie squat.

Kim and her trainer appear to be working out in the atelier of Kim’s clothing line. You really can squeeze your workout in anywhere! The matte painting hung outside the windows is of a nondescript yet luxurious metropolitan city. There’s a rolling rack of fashions straight from the runway, which no one ever looks at, refers to, or tries on. An unused dressmaker’s form stands next to a computer desk because she’s a businesswoman, you guys.

Speaking of fashion, Kim wears a stretch dominatrix outfit and a pleather zippered belt as she firms up her triceps with girly purple hand weights. The trainer wears ordinary yoga pants and a top, because she is contractually obligated to be much plainer than Kim. Her mousy bob pales in comparison to Kim’s glossy, perfectly arranged extensions.

They must have to stop tape every five minutes to give Kim’s coiffure a little juhjze. I don’t know the point of doing cardio and weight training with all of your hair flopping in your face. I remember when I was in high school, I went through that phase where I didn’t pull my long hair back for track races, thinking: “Oh, look how awesome and casual I am, even at an athletic competition! I don’t need to pull my hair back, because I am too cool!” I got over that phase because I am no longer fifteen.

There’s a disturbing dual message in the marketing of Kim’s exercise series (yes, there’s three videos): love your curves, but you absolutely must “Fit In Your Jeans By Friday.” Ladies, if the ramp-up to the weekend is pushing you towards an eating disorder, maybe you should just go up a size. No one can see the number on the tag.