THE FIRM: POWER YOGA

TheFirmPowerYoga

2006, $3.99 from the Goodwill Superstore on San Fernando

First impression: the package promises “Guaranteed visible results in 10 workouts.” It doesn’t say in what span of time though.

Second impression: This workout will sculpt my “upper body, abs, hips, thighs, and buttocks.” That’s more of my body parts than Denise Austin seems to care about. Sorry, Denise Austin, you’re just way too focused on my buns.

The DVD opens with a roomful of very fit women, each doing their own individual mini-stretch while they wait. The camera finds the host, who has a “hi, I didn’t see you there” moment.

This routine is led by Sandy Duncan’s understudy, who introduces her helper ladies. They all appear to have journeyed to the yoga studio from the lost island of Atlantis. They gaze into the camera with aggressive serenity. They want to rip you to shreds with their penis arms.

If we want the modifications for beginners, we are told to follow Lisa. Lisa does her take to camera and it’s readily apparent that she and I have the same problem. We both look like birds of prey when we are not smiling.

Here’s my pet peeve with this and other, similar DVD’s. If you follow the poses and copy the instructor, when you’re asked to turn to the side you will turn away from the TV so you can’t see what they are showing you. Every time. You can try to flip around, but then you miss most of the pose while you are adjusting. In a yoga studio you can watch the teacher in a mirror, but when you’re doing this at home it can involve a lot of pressing the pause button while you adjust yourself and remembering what leg you were just on because you’ve flipped around.

I wouldn’t call this a Power Yoga workout as it’s shorter and less intense than the Power Yoga classes they offered at my old gym. But if you want to watch some frighteningly fit women cheerleader-smile their way through a Warrior Pose, this routine might be for you.

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