2002, $3.99, at Goodwill Superstore on San Fernando

First Impression: This is the company that released the other video that looked like a human sacrifice. Goody.

Second Impression: I’m glad this drum majorette is getting work.

This DVD opens with a Boss Lady presenter explaining what the three sections of the workout are and why we will like them. I personally could do without these talky parts because working out at home is about saving time. And money. Time is money!

The Warm-up Conditioning segment begins as the live band starts up, with a close-up on a drum with a strap that allows it to be worn like a purse. Their instruments are swaddled with old bedsheets to make them blend with the backdrop. The routine is very dancey and soon I’m lost. I don’t mind though, because I’m fascinated by the way the set looks.

The set has the same muslin-and-faux-columns aesthetic as the 1980’s BBC series I, Claudius. It looks just like Caligula’s palace, and I expect John Hurt to enter and appoint a horse to serve as Senator. If you haven’t seen this show, you should really skip going to the gym until you are all caught up. It’s that good.

Next we have Aerobic Cross-Training, which means hard-to-follow dance routines interrupted with intermittent weight lifting. After each dance piece, the dancers run off camera and return with hand weights. Then, after some weight training sets, they run away, dump their weights, and run back to their spot. This happens four times, without any cuts. It seems really inefficient, but what do I know about exercise science?

Probably not as much as Boss Lady, who makes her triumphant return as the host of the Centering Makeover segment. She wears a headset mike, the type worn by theme park actors. She demonstrates a move called the Iron Cross, and all I can think of is the big X that Theon Greyjoy was strapped onto for most of Season Four.

Then Boss Lady brings out this metal rod that she uses to help pull her foot over her head, and I switch off the TV. All three of these segments together clock in at over 90 minutes, and I’ve got stuff to do. Time is money!

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