KIM KARDASHIAN’S BODY BEAUTIFUL

year unknown, $2.99 (in the original shrink wrapper!) at Goodwill Superstore on San Fernando

First Impression: This is actually a buddy cop movie.

Second Impression: Non-stop arm-folding, crime-solving action!

Longtime readers may remember my review of another Kim Kardashian workout DVD, which I found at the 99 Cents store in the same aisle where they sell roach poison.

While the first Kim Kardashian DVD was more polished, this workout feels more like a glorified home video. As evidence, I submit to you the back cover:

Look at that font. That’s a font for a wedding video edited by the bride’s cousin. Not to mention that the lower pictures have nothing to do with exercise. They’re just pictures of Kim doing what she does best, specifically, standing around and being looked at.

Kim’s personal trainer, Kathy Kaehler, is clearly running the show here. As she leads Kim through the routine, Kim seems so lost that it appears she has never been inside a gym before. She looks at Kathy with a big-eyed, pleading naivete, as a lost child would peer at a helpful adult.

Kim wears a sports bra with a little jacket zipped over it, right up underneath her cleavage. When Kim lifts her arms to the side to work her shoulders, her cleavage opens and shuts like a talking puppet mouth. What do her breasts have to say?  Please zip up your jacket. This is embarrassing.

Towards the end of the routine, I become very aware of the people behind the camera –  the ones you can’t see – as I never have before with any other workout I’ve done. Kim is lying on her side doing leg lifts, as Kathy guides her correct form. A roomful of people is  evidently lavishing Kim with compliments as if it is their job, which it probably is. Kim makes eye contact with each of them, softly murmuring, “Thank you,” to each in turn, oblivious to the fact that she is still being filmed. That may be the first time Kim Kardashian ever forgot she was on camera.

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