CRUNCH TOTAL YOGA

2001, $2.99, at Goodwill Superstore on San Fernando

First Impression: I have never smiled like that while doing twists or lunges.

Second Impression: Meanwhile, on the right, prepare to beam up!

This DVD is brought to you by Crunch Fitness, starring people much cooler and wealthier than you, who are also really, really nice, so you can’t hate them.

Our yoga instructor is the fancily-named Sara Ivanhoe. Verily I declare, this damsel be so named, that if she has not been employed at the Renaissance Pleasure Faire, there be no justice in this world. Huzzah and fanfare!

As we begin, the camera leads Sara Ivanhoe as she walks through the studio like it’s an episode of The West Wing. Sara reminds us to “breathe both in and out through your nose.” What the what? Is there another way to do this?  Is there another appendage that people use for breathing that I am not aware of? I demand answers.

Lucky us, we’ve got two routines on one disc, Fat Burning Yoga and The Joy of Yoga. Two things: this is my 199th review, and if I know anything, it’s that yoga does not burn fat. I have done so many videos with some variation of “Fat-Burning Yoga” in the title, and I’m sorry, it just doesn’t. Even the back of this DVD says “Yoga is like a marathon, not a sprint,” but I submit to you that it is like neither of those things, because yoga has nothing in common with running whatsoever. 

You know what does burn fat, apparently? Those trendy cryogenic freezing chambers that chill you way down to like, -135 degrees for 2 minutes, so your body thinks you’re dying. It burns 800 calories! Um, I live in Southern California, and my body thinks I’m dying if the temperature dips under 65, so I’ve got it covered, thanks.  

The other thing is that to put the word “Joy” in a yoga title is so misleading. I have experienced many emotions while doing yoga: boredom, ennui, existential dread, irritation, clock-watching, occasional relaxation. Never “Joy.”  Joy is an emotion I feel when both of my cats are on my lap with their faces touching. Not their butts. Their faces:

Black cats are the smartest and the sweetest and the best. If you have a cat of a different color, I’m sure it’s very nice too. Dogs are also nice. All pets are precious.