THE METHOD: DYNAMIC CARDIO

methoddynamiccardio

2002, $1.99, at Goodwill Superstore on San Fernando

First Impression: Bizarro Hillary Clinton demonstrates her flawless selfie technique.

Second Impression: Notice she doesn’t need a selfie stick. Put those things away, people!

This video is from the good folks who made the dance video about human sacrifice, as well as educating me on the importance of live bongo drums to keep the beat whilst exercising.

I am delighted to discover that the set designer has once again created an environment of columns and meticulously draped tablecloths, fit for a community theater’s presentation of Antigone.

The transitions between segments are accompanied by a dramatic lighting change to a purple wash. The dancers become completely still and fall into shadow, representing the ephemeral nature of all things, including fitness. I fully expect a Greek chorus to emerge and comment on the action, but alas, they do not. Life is full of small disappointments.

Like, where’s the bongo drums? Where’s the live band? Where’s the uncomfortable banter and the laughably impossible choreography?

The routines feature Grapevines, Starburst Arms, and a Peter Pan knee-up move easy enough for me to pick up. The instructor calls this move a “tollivay,” but I don’t even know if I’m spelling it right, because Google thought I was asking about Tall Overalls. I am so glad overalls are back in style. I used to have at least four pairs. I even wore a pair of dressy overalls, made out of velvet, for formal occasions.

Before the third and most difficult dance segment, the dancers all have a costume change. That’s how you know it’s the real business, now. Nothing says Serious Dance like black onesie spandex rompers. Myself, I have never owned such a garment. It seems like it would make bathroom breaks an absolute chore. Then again, overalls do require a bit of buckle wrangling, and if you have anything in the bib pocket it’s just going to clatter to the ladies’ room floor, so maybe I should clam up and give the jazz unitard a chance.

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