2006, $2.99, at Goodwill on Colorado, Eagle Rock

First Impression: This workout will stretch and strengthen your muscles, while deepening your skin to a robust orange.

Second Impression: Also, I’d like to point out that this is not a picture of Fitness Expert Charles Shand.

In fact, this lady does not appear anywhere in this video. They just hired her to tug on a rubber band while they snapped her photo. Good work if you can get it!

I wonder why Fitness Expert Charles Shand isn’t on the cover, and then when I play the intro segment, I get my answer. He’s absolutely terrifying. I can imagine him pulling petals off a daisy and then tossing a small child into a river. He’s a hulking, bald man, composed entirely of gristle and salt tablets. He is about to tell you that he likes two things, one of them being lollipops, and he happens to be out of lollipops.

Charles Shand is so jacked-up that his neck appears to be wider than his head. I’m guessing that his super-human appearance is not solely due to using the resistance band. I’m sure a bolt of lightning, a stone tower, and “Abby Someone” were involved.

Charles Shand, Fitness Expert, has two helpers. To the left is an older gentleman, demonstrating the I-can-barely-move variation of the exercises. He looks exactly like the sort of person who would mansplain to you what “Venti” means while in line at Starbucks. Not that you were having a conversation or even looking at him, you’re just trapped there behind him in line and he needs someone to yap at.

To the right is a blonde lady who demonstrates the intermediate level. One of the cameras has been positioned so that it shoots a straight line down inside her tank top every time she bends over to stretch her hamstrings. The editor cuts to this shot each time we revisit this stretch. Her grim expression indicates that she is fully aware of the harassing camera angle, has already expressed her discomfort to a producer, and has been given the “we don’t know what you’re talking about, honey,” deflection.



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