2013, $2.99, at Goodwill on San Fernando in Glendale

First Impression: Is it bathing suit season already?

Second Impression: (wraps self in hectare-sized towel)

On this Boxing Day, Tracy Anderson broadcasts her message of holiday fitness from inside a giant snow globe:

Time to work off that metric ton of chocolate bark that your co-worker brought in! We’ve got two routines, bluntly titled Intro Part One and Intro Part Two.

Also, Tracy has helpfully written her name on the back wall so that the crew will know what to call her:

We start off with Tracy’s lengthy explanation about why buying this video was a dumb mistake. “Once you master these routines,  if you don’t move on to the next level, this DVD will let you down.”  All of her workout programs are meant to be progressive, she adds. Sooo… Tracy Anderson’s DVDs are all disposable and it’s a waste to pay full price for theeemmm…?

Now that we feel super great about our choice to invest in a fitness program, Tracy makes sure we have all our equipment ready. You will need hand weights, wrist weights, ankle weights, and an albatross to wear around your neck to really boost your resistance and burn those calories.

For Intro Part Two, Tracy has emerged from her Snow Globe of Solitude and put on some hair extensions. She also wears a pair of sassy workout pants made from a old Twister game:

For this routine, you need a chair to step on and stretch over repeatedly. After awhile I begin to feel like that balancing bird novelty toy that tips over to flirt with gravity. Then my kitten gets herself involved in the proceedings, plopping herself on my desk chair and looking up at me with adoration:

I switch to using an ottoman for the exercise instead, because how can I deny that sweet face the comfort of her favorite chair?

Although Tracy Anderson asserts otherwise, I don’t think this workout will cause my “problem areas to melt away,” like Frosty the Snowman inside a greenhouse. No exercise will do that for you, until science stumbles upon something magical. Until then, we’ll have to muddle through somehow.

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