2015, $2.99, at Goodwill on Colorado in Eagle Rock

First Impression: Smile demurely, and avert your eyes.

Second Impression: Tousle your hair, and they won’t guess you’re sniffing your own armpit.

The back cover warns, “She has rocked the bodies of many of your favorite celebrities, and now she wants to move with you.” Fitness DVD, or horror movie? You decide!

We get our first clue when we see that this has been shot in a parking garage, between spaces number three and four.  A parking garage is not an appropriate place for a workout. Have we learned nothing from countless episodes of Law & Order?  Parking garages are places where abductions happen, usually in black vans with squealing tires, and always just out of the range of security cameras.

Parking garages are not places to linger for three 20-minute workouts, let alone prance about in skimpy black workout gear with revealing mesh panels.  Hours of true crime podcasts have taught me that parking garages are the natural habitats of serial killers and sex offenders. You might as well spray yourself with mouse cologne and leap into a cobra exhibit.

This DVD will have you on the edge of your yoga mat, shouting, “Don’t go down the stairs!” But Tracy Anderson already did, because that’s how she got to the filming location.

Speaking of danger, what could be more hazardous than touching the floor of a parking garage? Like, with your hands? Do you want to get swine monkeypox, Tracy Anderson?  Because touching the floor of a parking garage while you do an endless succession of elaborate twisted donkey-kicks is a great way to contract swine monkeypox. That is, if the serial killer lurking in space number five doesn’t get you first.

The tension ratchets up in the third act when Tracy suggests we strap on ankle weights to continue her Cirque De Soleil-esque contortions.  This is the point where I just watched from behind my fingers, because I fully expected her hip to become horrifically disjointed in some sort of grotesque Joe Rothian finale.

But you can all relax, because our Final Girl makes it out alive to continue the franchise in Tracy Anderson Boot Camp II: The Bootening.

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