2003, $2.99, at Goodwill on San Fernando in Glendale

First Impression: We didn’t do this pose in the video.

Second Impression: We also never got to this one:

Are you all seeing what I’m seeing? Do you see where Rainbeau Mars’ feet are? Her feet are behind her head. I believe this particular yoga pose is called, Not Today, Satan.

What, may I ask, is the practical application for being able to twist your body into this sort of shape? Are we training to be on the Luge team for the next Winter Olympics?

Well, I can tell you this much, Rainbeau Mars isn’t going to make it to the Winter Olympics. She’s been abandoned by Jason and the Argonauts on a desolated atoll:

As she waits for the Kraken to appear and devour her, Rainbeau Mars makes good use of her time and leads us through a 37-minute yoga flow. She advises us to “Welcome the heat and the sweat.” Indeed, I welcome them both, because my house was built entirely without insulation, and in December, it’s only slightly better than being outside.

The “Pure Sweat” of the title never makes an appearance though. Now I start to doubt everything that Rainbeau Mars tells me. She does like a colorful turn of phrase, that one. She advises us to “feel the balance between effort and splendor,” and I’m not sure if those  two concepts are diametrically opposed enough to be antonyms in her little word-puzzle. I’m very confused in my thinky brain and not feeling yoga at all, but then she pipes up to remind us to “allow your arms to be like straws, sucking up vital force.”


Also, we all should “be aware that the 1000 petaled lotus is born in the dirtiest of muddy ponds. Give in to the sticky stuff.”

Ummm… how sticky is this stuff, and can I remove it with Goo-Gone?

Focus in! “Extend back courageously through your heel!”

I was trying not to step on the kitten, thanks.

“Allow the molecules and atoms that make up your flesh spin themselves to the perfection that they are.”

Is the Kraken almost here? He’s kept us waiting far too long.

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