2003, $2.99, at Goodwill on San Fernando in Glendale

First Impression: Rainbeau Mars.

Second Impression: Rainbeau Mars?

With a name like Rainbeau Mars, I certainly hope she would be a yoga instructor. “This is your neurosurgeon, Dr. Rainbeau Mars.” Um, nope.

Also, Yoga for Beauty? What could be simpler?  I snapped that ish right up. Would that it were that easy… the DVD comes with a booklet illustrating Rainbeau Mars’ FORTY disciplines for achieving beauty:

Jesus, can’t I just pay someone to inject something? I thumbed through the booklet, and a lot of the disciplines involve rubbing coconut oil into your knees “until you penetrate the tenth layer.” I imagine my knees made of cake with a smear of jam inside them, like petits fours.

On to the workout. Rainbeau Mars is broadcasting from deep inside a Jurassic Park diorama:

It may not surprise you to learn that there is a backup yogi named Bliss. She has milkmaid braids crossed on top of her head, and she will always be more flexible than you.

The warmup is accompanied by some traditional music, with a man singing in a perfectly resonant voice that instantly relaxes me. Certain yoga videos motivate me to light incense, and this is definitely one of them.

We move on to an internal belly cleanse. Rainbeau Mars lowers into a “chair” position and draws in her stomach, rotating her hips back and forth. This has the creepy affect of making her hip bones, ribcage, and spinal column very visible. It’s a little upsetting. I can’t brings myself to participate. Then we lower our arms, and “swim back into truth.” 

During Child’s Pose, my new kitten climbs onto my lower back and kneads with her paws.  It would be rude of me to disrupt her muffin party on my muffin top, so I stay in the pose for quite some time. Then she curls up in a little warm circle.  Pretty soon the workout is over, and I don’t feel any more beautiful, but the kitten doesn’t seem to mind.

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