2013, $2.99 (in the original shrink wrapper!), at Goodwill on Colorado in Eagle Rock

First Impression: The DVD case implores you to get the hot healthy body you’ve always wanted.

Second Impression: It also recommends that you burn calories and scorch fat.

Folks, Burning Man is over, but if you still have an urge to remove most of your clothing and expose yourself to the elements while being yelled at, this is the exercise program for you. 

I start with Level One, in which Jillian and her two helpers have been abandoned in the white-hot desert. I think this is the Salton Sea:

Who wants meth?

We start with Sun Swings to warm up, with Jillian barking traditional mantras such as “get your head into the game!”

We work through a variation of a Sun Salutation, interspersed with cardio intervals such as Twisting Mountain Climbers. Look how small and helpless they look in the cruel wasteland:

This is all because Jillian Michaels wants us “ripped, lean, and shredded.” I don’t know, Jillian… some of us really just want to be able to button our pants. 

After some Plank Jacks and Plank Skaters, we get to Active Pigeon, where we swing in and out of Pigeon Pose repeatedly. Pigeon is actually my favorite yoga pose, so I really enjoy this part.

Then comes Tabletop with a leg lift. Jillian Michaels scolds, “Do not cheat me! I don’t like to be cheated! I’m not the most friendly person in the world to begin with and cheating really agitates me.”

We end with Jillian declaring over the limp bodies of her assistants, “There are days when you’d rather be dead than turn on this DVD!”

After a wardrobe change, a towel-off and hopefully an infusion of electrolytes, we are back for Level Two. Jillian talks about her assistants while they pretend they can’t hear her:

This segment incorporates the use of hand weights into the routine. If you ever wished your yoga instructor would interrupt your mindfulness with some dumbbells, you’re in for a treat!

Random question. What opera is this from?

We get into Plank with weights and alternate Upright Rows. This move “is going to be challenging and confrontational,” Jillian declares. Uh-huh. Sound like anyone you know?

Now, I have a lot of fun at Jillian Michaels’ expense. But I will admit, I’ve been doing this workout for a week, and I’m starting to look… dare I say… Ripped? Lean? Shredded? Sigh. I guess I’m keeping this DVD.

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