JILLIAN MICHAELS: KILLER CARDIO

2017, $2.99, at Goodwill on San Fernando in Glendale

First Impression: In a world where your sports bra could choke you…

Second Impression: …if your trainer doesn’t do the job first!

Now, I know that I have had a lot of enjoyment poking fun at fitness expert and walking HR policy Jillian Michaels here, here, and here. But I do think this loudmouth pushy-pants is starting to grow on me. Maybe it’s her trendy blonde bob that makes her seem a little bit softer:

We’re in for two different workouts, four circuits each, 20 seconds on, 10 seconds off, and we are going to crush it. This I know, for Jillian Michaels told me so.

Level One starts with simple moves like Slide Spins and Jab Crosses. Then we get to Dancing Crab, where you lie down, then push yourself up on one hand and tap your other foot:

While in Twisting Mountain Climbers, my little cat decided to jump on my back. She hung on for quite awhile. She is so supportive during my workouts. See?

During the cooldown, Jillian fans herself, feigning exhaustion.  “Yelling at you guys is so taxing for me!”  Then, she praises us for our hard work, demanding of her assistants Kenzo and Rocky, “Get in there. Give them hugs and kisses. Be loving!”

As we begin Level Two, Jillian announces, “look, I have a treat for you.” 

I guess Kenzo’s shirt kept getting too sweaty, so they took it away from him. Ah, well. 

This workout is less fun than the first one, because I have to modify more of the moves. We start with Bear Kicks, which is basically the Charleston from a crouched all fours position.

I think I hear her say “At-Risk Climbers,” which makes me laugh, but it turns out they are called Everest Climbers. And they look like this:

“How ugly are we gonna get?” Jillian demands, in her motivational way.  Ummmm, sooo ugly? Sorry, I don’t know what the right answer is. Doesn’t matter. We’re doing Donkey Kick Rock Star and we are going to be so shredded.

In the end, Kenzo gives the best fitness advice of all. “Just try to do a little better each time,” he suggests. I, for one, welcome our new fitness overlord.

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