JILLIAN MICHAELS: YOGA MELTDOWN

2009, $2.00 (in the original shrink wrapper!), at Out of the Closet in Glassell Park

First Impression: Yoga DVD or Post-Apocalyptic video game?

Second Impression: You make the call!

The spirit of competition ignites as Jillian Michaels cranks out a yoga video to 

match vinyasas with her former co-worker, Bob Harper. Departing from her usual cover-pic glare, the photographer has apparently instructed Jillian to “please not stare down the camera like you hate it and you want to smash it and then tear at the metal parts with your teeth.” The result is a slightly softer facial expression, but she still holds her weapon of choice, a yoga mat, as one would a bazooka.

We’ve got two different yoga workouts, helpfully called Level One and Level Two, that guarantee “an intense workout to melt away stubborn fat fast.” I’m picturing Stubborn Fat now, with his arms crossed and his nose in the air, refusing to cooperate. Ugh, who invited him on this D&D campaign?

This workout represents the Venn diagram intersection of people who enjoy yoga and people who enjoy being shouted at. You might imagine that it’s not a lot of people, and therefore, as an incompetent co-worker used to declare, “we are in agreeance.”  Agreeance fell into disuse in the 19th century, Jerry! Knock it off, you sound like a time traveler!

Jillian reliably displays her patented lack of boundaries when dealing with her yoga assistants, attempting to knock them over during poses to “keep them on their toes,” and occasionally slapping them on the ass.  Maddy and Bhasheera smile joyfully throughout, concentrating on the bills they will pay off once they get the check from this job.

Of Bhasheera, Jillian declares, “she’s such a badass, she makes me look like a pansy!”

Um, what? Did she really just say that? I’m fairly certain she wasn’t referring to a wildflower of Europe and western Asia also known as “heartsease.” 

Wow. She ad-libbed a line that incorporated a derogatory term, and none of the other people on set thought to say, “let’s take that again without the offensive slur, Jillian.” The post production people didn’t suggest editing around it, and the marketing people said, “yep, this baby’s ready to put on the shelves!”

And then someone donated it without even opening the shrink wrapper, which is how I found it at a thrift store that supports the AIDS Healthcare Foundation. Poetic? I’m not sure. I just know I won’t be working out to this DVD again.

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