date unknown, $2.99, at Goodwill on Brand in Glendale

First Impression: Oh hello, I didn’t see you there.

Second Impression: I was too busy practicing my dancing vampire expression.

Judging by the cover picture, it would appear that the Pop Physique cover model is finally permitted to show her face. She’s not allowed to be in the video, though. This workout is clearly meant for blonde ladies only:

Look at that dank basement gym. Can you just smell the layers of sweat and jock funk lingering in the uncirculated air? Ugh, let’s get out of here.

Okay… I see a lot of Chinese writing on the wall. Maybe this gym caters to Chinese speakers?

I’m guessing no? Perhaps the gym owner is a huge fan of Firefly and the writing translates to, “I swear by my pretty little bonnet I will end you.” Or more likely, it’s meant to serve as an inspiration for a whole slough of ill-advised 90’s-era tattoos.

Nevertheless, the host Denise Druce informs us that we are “welcome to have as much fun as [we] want.”  Seldom do you get this kind of permission as an adult. What kind of fun are we talking about? Theme park fun? Clown-and-balloon fun? Or perhaps a guilt-free chocolate cake binge followed by eight hours of uninterrupted sleep? 

If you are looking for a workout that is neither dance, nor a jam of any kind, boy oh boy are you in for a treat. What we’ve got going on here is mostly kickboxing side-to-side moves. It’s easy to follow and broken up with graphics on the side that whoosh! in to announce “only 20 minutes to go!” It warms my little clock-watching heart.

Denise, ever concerned for our well being, checks in to inquire, “are we having fun yet?” If you have to ask, the answer is probably no.

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