2010, $2.99, at Goodwill Superstore on San Fernando
First Impression: If you wait at a crossroads by the light of the full moon, Bob Harper will appear at midnight.
Second Impression: He will teach you The Inside-Out Method, but first, you must promise him your soul.
We fade up in a grungy looking gym. Bob, everyone’s favorite trainer from The Biggest Loser, introduces this DVD as though he’s trying to convince you not to try it. “You have never done a workout like this before! This. Workout. Is. Hard. You. Are going. To sweat!” He goes on and on, noting that from this day forward, our lives will know neither pleasure, nor fulfillment, nor joy. His yoga helpers, two women and one man, sit cross-legged behind him, staring straight ahead with expressionless faces that are, somehow, still beautiful.
The whole feel of this DVD is somewhat despairing and post-apocalyptic. Then it dawns on me where we are. We’re aboard the Battlestar Galactica. That explains everything, from the ratty-looking brown and gray tank tops, to the color desaturation. Even the backup yogis are dead ringers for pilots Racetrack, Kat, and Skulls.
The camera work only emphasizes this presentation’s cultural connection to the well-chronicled search for Earth. The workout is punctuated with unnecessary zooms, rack focuses, and handheld shots to show you how extreme and edgy you are for even thinking you could attempt Bob’s life-changing workout. This is Yoga For The Warror. So Say We All.
Don’t accuse me of being a Cylon, but I really do have to point out that this is just an ordinary yoga routine. There are plenty of modifications if you want to be like Starbuck and work at the advanced level. You can also hang back a bit if you’re feeling more like Apollo during the season where they made him wear a fat suit to symbolize the character’s stagnant inner life. Of course, for me, no yoga routine is complete without Pigeon Pose. If you can do Bob’s yoga workout and also do Pigeon Pose on your own, then you’re a razor.
Thrift Store Fitness 