EXHALE CORE FUSION 30 DAY SCULPT

2010, $2.00, at Out of the Closet Superstore on San Fernando

First Impression: I can hear Forrest Gump saying, “The buttocks, sir.”

Second Impression: An Atomic Wedgie in 30 days or your money back!

This video was evidently shot in a storeroom behind a Cost Plus.  There’s a rustic, reclaimed-wood floor, guaranteed to give you splinters in just 20 minutes a day. Completing the rough-hewn, world-beat vibe are exposed brick walls, teakwood console tables with cunning little drawers, and the occasional statue of Buddha. The ceiling beams are draped with those red bolts of silky fabric that Chinese acrobats wave around.

This DVD promises 30 different 20-minute workouts, to be done daily over the course of a month.  These routines are Frankensteined together from other DVDs produced by the two instructors. The segments have vague titles like Flex Crunch, Crunch Curl, Cardio Flex, and Cardio Curl.  All routines are meant to be performed in bare feet, and fall somewhere in the yogapilates continuum. As you work through the five-week plan, you start to repeat segments, and that’s when you realize that hey, there aren’t 30 different workouts on this disc at all. I’ve been lied to again, nothing is what it seems, whyyyy?

The instructors are a gross married couple. They are like your neighbors who make out in front of the mailboxes, who once mentioned they keep a pillow stuffed with each other’s hair clippings. They pass out homemade treats for the holidays, peanut butter cookies topped with a Hershey’s Kiss that they call “Nipples of Venus.”  They routinely ask everyone in the apartment building if they are sure that last night’s lovemaking session was not too loud.  You cringe and think you could do without hearing them say “lovemaking” in their syrupy voices ever again.

Elisabeth and Fred seem completely oblivious to the effect of their folie a deux, ending each segment with a little quip to “enjoy those new thighs you’ve discovered” as they simper at each other.

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