2009, $1.99, at Goodwill on Colorado in Eagle Rock

First Impression: She’s going to hit you with that kettlebell.

Second Impression: Six feet apart!

“I’ve fallen in love with kettlebell training, and you will too!” predicts Jillian Michaels in the Intro.

We’ll just see about that. I click over to the Kettlebell Tutorial.  It’s a completely different technique from any other type of weight training I’ve encountered. Specifically, Jillian directs us to “thrust from the hips and lock the bone.” Oh, my! 

As we begin Level One, Jillian graciously concedes that we can use a hand weight instead of a kettlebell if we don’t own one.  I suppose if I were really motivated, I could make my own kettlebell out of a sack of flour and a bucket. Except the grocery stores are out of flour. So a two-pound hand weight it is!

We warm up by passing the weight around our waist, then around our head:

Then we lie on the floor for bridge pose, holding the weight above our chests in the ominously named “crusher” position. Meanwhile, hearing Jillian Michaels say “kettlebell” over and over again, I can’t help but think of kettle chips. Did you know a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is really good with a layer of potato chips in the middle?  Don’t judge me.

Now we squat and change the weight from hand to hand. “These are explosive movements meant to get you shredded,” counsels Jillian. I mean, I guess if you like that sort of thing.

This is a Turkish Getup, or as I call it, “rehearsing for Les Miz”:

You’ll notice that the kettlebell smacks against poor Bhasheera’s forearm. That doesn’t seem very comfortable to me. Of course, you could always hold the weight like you captured Baby Yoda:

Moving on to Level Two. Or as Jillian puts it, “Level Two! Whew! You are going to rue the day that you bought this DVD!”  Super.

We warm up by passing the weight in a figure eight between our legs:

Personally, I think the exercises are enough with just a dumbbell. I’m not sure how anyone benefits from swinging around a heavy object that could hurt you because it’s difficult to control. This workout pairs nicely with Mountain Dew and bungee-jumping videos. 

As if in agreement, Jillian notifies her assistants that she is “going to send one of you to the hospital today.” Oh, Jillian, now’s not the time. Listen to the mayor and flatten the curve.

We do a squat with an overhead press.  Quoth the Jillian, “don’t mess with me. I can see you. I’m always watching you!” 

We finish up with the most unnecessarily awkward pushups ever:

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