2010, $1.49, at Goodwill on San Fernando in Glendale

First Impression: Will they notice I didn’t wear pants to the Zoom meeting?

Second Impression: Oh, wait. I don’t care.

Don’t want to wear a bra during shelter-in-place? Not a problem. Simply criss-cross some leftover gauze to fashion this chic bandeau:

Tracy Anderson is back, on her mission to design your perfect body. She is obsessed with the notion of perfection. Her description of a “perfect” body includes words such as “teeny-tiny.” Well, m’lady, I take umbrage at the notion not only that there is only one idea of a perfect body, but also that to be called such, it must be as small as possible. 

Know why? We are allowed to take up space. We have the right to take up as much space as we want in our own damn houses. Especially because we’re not allowed to go outside right now.

Just look at Tracy Anderson raising her arms like the Night King:

She warms up by snaking her body around in a random manner, daring us to follow along, with a disdainful, “The precision that you’re performing these moves should be just as important as anyone doing a performance that an audience paid for.” But not important enough for her to explain anything that she’s doing. Got it.

We do a plié chair sequence, and then an endless series of leg lifts.

Keeping your leg up high is important because “that’s where I’m using places to bolt your muscles together for your skin tone.”

Excuse me, bolt my muscles together? I’m… I’m not an android… am I?

Moving on! Here’s a confusing little exercise I call, Chair Luuuuuve:

As with every other Tracy Anderson workout, each movement has an interminable number of reps, but what else were you going to do today? Got somewhere to be? 

Now we start the whole thing over on our other leg. Oh boy.  Good news, by the time you get through all the leg torture, there’s only ten minutes left in the workout.


Don’t touch your face, Tracy.

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